For so long I’ve fought myself. I’ve forced fad diets upon myself, and foods down my throat that I never crave, or cringe to look at. (history of my diet here) I’ve made many empty promises to those around me about “doing it this time” or “I’m gonna start tomorrow”. So many people have lost faith in my efforts, and judge my actions endlessly. Its only a part of healing, but they’ll never understand. They’ve never been plagued by an eating disorder. The broken promises that hurt me the most are those I’ve made to myself. I’m the one who wants me to be a certain weight. I’m the one who made everyone see my present self as an issue, an abnormality, and something to bend like cold metal into the shape that it belongs in. With force and speed comes the eventual bounce back. As I go back and forth, motivated to unmotivated, heavy to light, nothing gets any better, only worse. Diets do not work. They harm your body far more than help in the long run. That’s why I’ll never diet again. Continue reading “Weight: 147”
Oh what a day it will be when I no longer have to worry about binging, and I no longer have to be concerned that I won’t be able to stop eating. there won’t be this extra creature living in my mind sending me false signals or lying to me. Continue reading “Satiety”
I see myself smaller than I really am
A word most commonly associated with anorexia and often preceded by the word body.
Dysmorphia- disˈmôrfēə- deformity (or thought of) abnormality in the size or shape of something (the body)
What a notion. wow. so original. Hang with me here.
For so long I’ve struggled with my weight. Learn my entire detailed history here.
I’ve tried a billion diets, and had so many bad days because I was so hard on myself about something someone as young as me should never have had to deal with. The position I’m in is being perpetuated by what I’ve seen for so long as the solution.
DIETS FUCK WITH YOUR MIND.
Maybe it’s time to let things fall into their natural flow, rather than continue to fight nature. Spoiler alert, nature wins every time. Why not enjoy the present? stop wasting my childhood with problems that I’m making up. I have rolls. I’m bigger than a tween, a teen even. I have curves too. Stretch marks, cellulite. But hello there, I’m a woman. If you have a problem with that, and the way I look. Hope the door hits you really hard so you can wake up and stop preferring the photo shopped to hell women who are made of plastic and have no souls- OKAY. Do you get me? I’m beautiful, and so are you. Start living.
Dance by the ocean in your birthday suit, don’t worry about a little extra bounce. Climb the trees and mountains, powered by your strong muscles, whether they’re lean and visible or not. Exist for now, and don’t be concerned with what was or what will be. Only know it was all good, and always will be. Even when life isn’t perfect. Even when you aren’t perfect. No one is perfect. You will never be perfect. But may you be happy, prosperous, and never cease to grow.
Today was my third day of my next 10 pound decent, As difficult has it has so far been, I know I just have to get over the hump once more. My goal is to weigh about 130 by the time I finish all of the Blogilates videos. I’m about 1/3 of the way through them!
This week I’ve been waking up at 6:00 a.m and doing about 40 minutes of Yoga with Adriene. Her, along with Cassey are my two favorite fitness channels.
Fitness is a large part of my life once again. I enjoy my workouts, although sometimes taxing. I finally have found a seemingly sustainable way of eating, and I’m on my way back to physical and mental health. I’ve already come so far, but I do feel bad for the people who have to put up with my habits. I wake up too early, I go to bed too early (9:00). I eat at strange times, and strange amounts of things. To anyone outside of my mind, this might seem selfish, rude, or concerning. I can say, from the inside of my mind, that this is the healthiest approach I’ve yet taken.
So yes, for a while I’ll be slightly distant, singularly focused, and moody, but in the long run, this’ll be a small chunk of slight unpleasantness for a lifetime of pleasure. I’m getting better everyday.