Weight: 147

For so long I’ve fought myself. I’ve forced fad diets upon myself, and foods down my throat that I never crave, or cringe to look at. (history of my diet here) I’ve made many empty promises to those around me about “doing it this time” or “I’m gonna start tomorrow”. So many people have lost faith in my efforts, and judge my actions endlessly. Its only a part of healing, but they’ll never understand. They’ve never been plagued by an eating disorder. The broken promises that hurt me the most are those I’ve made to myself. I’m the one who wants me to be a certain weight. I’m the one who made everyone see my present self as an issue, an abnormality, and something to bend like cold metal into the shape that it belongs in. With force and speed comes the eventual bounce back. As I go back and forth, motivated to unmotivated, heavy to light, nothing gets any better, only worse. Diets do not work. They harm your body far more than help in the long run. That’s why I’ll never diet again.

It’s been very difficult for me to have lost all I worked so hard for. I was where I wanted to be, but I let it slip from my fingers and the quicksand of binges and crash diets consumed me faster than I could dig my way out.On the grateful side, I did learn more from the weight gain than I did from the initial weight loss. I learned what my body wants, and to listen to it. Although sometimes spoiling it, and filling it to the brim only to be haunted by guilt for the following day. Certain aspects of my brain can’t be completely understood or for long quelled, but what matters is that I can combat my bad with good. I learned about my lack of understanding of true hunger and satiety. It’s an ongoing learning process, and the curve is not straight, but I’m acting more consciously on my eating habits and when and where and what. I learned triggers for binges, and found coping mechanisms for those. They aren’t surefire, but I’ve saved myself more than a few times. I’ve learned to allow myself to eat the things I crave and not eat what I don’t ant just because it’s good for me. This doesn’t mean I eat unhealthily though since I have quite the palate for veggies and fruit. While I could be forcing protein shakes down my throat at breakfast and force swallowing dinner, I’ve found a happy medium where I can enjoy my food, and eat healthily at the same time, allowing for the naughty things I crave to become less bad, and more good. Food shouldn’t be labeled with emotion, rather seen as taken in less often, or for special occasions. Moderation will probably be an ongoing issue for a long time, but a few kinks in the hose won’t completely mess up the stream. I know I can’t dwell on the past, but I can put my new knowledge into effect for a positive present, and future. Though keeping in mind that the future may not be the idea in my head currently. I recommend short term goals. It keeps you motivated and  won’t disappoint you like saying you’ll be somewhere in a year, and end up no where closer. Take it week by week, step by step, and enjoy the process. Beating yourself up over minute things like an accidental overeat of your favorite food, of a surprise cake will only hinder your progress. If you have a bad physical day, set out to make it a great mental day. Another thing I’ve learned is that you get what you give. If you put awful things into your body and don’t take care of it, it’s going to let you know how it feels about that. Your body doesn’t know how to digest man made chemicals like all the processed junk, so how else is it supposed to react other than with confusion. How a body screams for help varies from person to person, whether you have a period for a month straight, smell weird suddenly, or a cough for 5 months, or even the worst unexplained acne imaginable. Whether you gain weight or you don’t but feel like shit no matter what.  Listen to the little changes, move through life with the awareness of self. You are the only one who really knows yourself. Your body is your only body. It’s the vessel that carries your soul. Treat it well, so you can make all of your nonphysical dreams come true, and not run out of energy, or get injured by the slightest thing, or have your immune system fail you, or feel gross and put yourself in a shell. The appearance only matters in today’s sexual culture. However, I would like to look the way I feel on the inside, and right now I do. I look unhealthy because I am. I would like to be healthy, and in turn, that will shine through my skin, my muscle, my every millimeter of myself, and I’ll achieve the figure I want, not for vanity, but for strength and health. I don’t want to end up an Instagram model, or someone valued for her looks alone. I simply want to get to a place where I don’t notice my body anymore. It just becomes the ship that I captain. Of course there will always be insecurities and things that I don’t like and want to change, but working toward changing those, and having little obstacles to get over is kinda fun. Yeah sometimes it sucks to go that extra mile, but it’s almost always worth it, ya know, unless you break your leg running that last mile and you’re like, “Damn, why’d I do that?!”. Anyway, I know I’ll enjoy the journey if I’m doing it right (the healthy happy way, not just the textbook healthy, because it isn’t healthy if you’re unhappy), so why not put myself into that mindset of enjoyment rather than dread? I’m going to have a great time embracing all of the changes that happen.  I do have fears that I’ve let my body go too far and my decent in size will leave me disfigured; I’m scared I’ll have saggy boobs ,I’m scared I’ll have loose skin, and I’m scared I won’t make it. The last one is the only one I have direct control over, so I’ll take my one out of three, and work my hardest to achieve what I’m after, and have been after for so long. Now is the right time, I feel it, I’ve tried so hard so far, but all of this universal education and self reflection will pay off. Just gotta be balanced, and keep consistent.

I’ll be posting monthly updates about my weight loss journey. Here is the first.

 

I don’t know how long it will take to lose the weight, and I don’t know what surprises will come with the adventure, but I’ve taught myself great self awareness over the past few months, and over the entire weight gain experience about how I eat. I learned more from gaining weight than losing weight., and for that I’m grateful. I have fully accepted where I am, and the difficult task that lies ahead, but for the sake of my future, I need to do it while I’m young. Whether weight and health coincide is up in the air for me at the moment, but I don’t feel healthy at this weight, or activity level. No matter what my perfect blood test results say, I am not okay here. I’m overweight, and I’m wasting time.

 

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