Oh what a day it will be when I no longer have to worry about binging, and I no longer have to be concerned that I won’t be able to stop eating. there won’t be this extra creature living in my mind sending me false signals or lying to me. My entire goal in this current journey, even though It comes from a lot of directions at once, is just coming into a natural and instinctual habit of eating. My eating habits are so far from where I want them to be, but I  have come a long way from what I used to be. There was a time when I had the will power I seek now, but I used it for evil unto myself.I would starve myself. At first, I didn’t even know it; 900 calories a day until I couldn’t take it any more and I binged. I didn’t know then  what was happening to my mind or body. I assumed I was healthy, and losing weight was a healthy thing. Little did I know that I was in fact sending myself into starvation mode, slowing down my metabolism, and causing my body to try to hold onto everything I put into it. through months of forcing nothing but protein down my throat, and barely any food at that, really messed up my relationship with food. It’s easier for me to do it the wrong way, than the right way for some reason. I find myself straying from my caloric goal more at 1800 than at 1000.

I then found veganism, which I saw as my saving grace. While I know I’ll end up a vegan once more, I have taken a break. I’ll link a video below explaining why.  Veganism is amazing, and if you’re eating habits are those of a healthy individual, you’ll never look back, and you’ll wonder why you haven’t always been vegan. It’s very rewarding, and I have nothing but praises to sing. In this time however, I have decided to switch to vegetarianism.

Anyway, I chose to follow the RawTill4 diet when I came to veganism because it offered “unlimited calories” and “unlimited carbs”. I did my research and chose to ignore the people who told me what I’m telling you now. You can not eat unlimited food and not gain weight. Too much food= too much weight. Unless you’re an Olympic athlete, it’s not going to work. At first though, I had an amazing time eating all the carbs and fruits and veggies I could fit into my mouth. I had giant food babies after every meal. Fruit for breakfast and lunch, occasionally even dinner was amazing. I  went to the beach and I looked the way I’d always wanted, but it was short lived because I ended up slowly gaining all the weight, plus 30 extra pounds, back over the course of the next year and a half. It was hard for me to deal with the change even though this was what I needed. I fought back so hard to lose the weight my body continued to pack on. If we were two separate beings (my body and I), we would have a conversation similar to this in the span of me gaining the weight.

Body- It’s okay rea-

Mind- NO! it isn’t I need to be skinny. It’s the only way I’ll be beautiful, It’s the only way  I will love me, It;s the only way anyone will love me!

Body- You are not a little girl. It’s time for hips, a period, breasts.

Mind- You don’t understand. I do so much good to you, I world out, I eat right.

Body- Lies. You barely eat, so when you do, I need to use it all and preserve what I can. When you eat a lot. I keep it all, especially since all you give me to work with anymore is carbs in varied amounts. I’m low on nutrients, I’m high on sugar, and I’m low on energy. When you work out, you do way too much.  You’re hurting me!

Mind- If I don’t eat I lose weight, but If I eat like a normal teenager should be able to, I gain weight. Why can’t you be like every one else? (lists what is wrong with body)

Body-I’ll win.

Mind- I’ll never stop fighting you!

Oh but I have. That doesn’t mean I gave up, but It means that I’m done fighting with the natural course of physical healing, and that is a big part of mental healing. I’m learning to love my body although I still have more negative days than positive ones .

I’m ready or at least close to being able to do what a “normal” person does. I’ll exercise a normal amount of time. I’ll enjoy what I do, and do more things for the purpose of enjoyment rather than finding a number of calories burned by every movement I make. I’ll eat when I’m hungry, and chose the healthiest things I can while still eating foods I like, and that taste good. I’ll give into some cravings but refrain from others. If I lose weight great! If I stay here, okay, but I hope to squeeze the life out of every second, so I don’t look back and regret wasting time because I was hung up by a number.

What is normal? Well, I don’t really know, but I can only go by the examples I’ve seen. I guess I’ll just find what feels good. I would love to stop constantly thinking about food, and cancelling plans because I would rather eat, or avoid people because of my fear of being “poisoned” by their free food ways. I’m working so diligently to fix that aspect of my life. Losing weight is however still a large goal, and that’s all fine and good as long as it’s fun and sustainable.img_9093


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