It’ll All Fall Into Place

I feel like I’m figuring stuff out. It’ll be funny looking back at this in the future, knowing the outcome.

 I went on my first diet when I was in like 3rd grade, even though I wasn’t “fat”(155lbs) until a month ago, but I never liked my body. Even as far back as preschool I wanted certain jeans because they made me look “cool”. My real issues started Freshman year when I actually started trying to lose weight for more than a week or an afternoon. I started the myfitnesspal app, and ended up being glued to it for almost 3 years. I didn’t know how to eat correctly and completely messed up my metabolism by eating only 800 calories a day, until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged. At that point I had never weighed over 125, but even at 125 I felt like a whale, oh boy would I find out otherwise, since now it’s a goal of mine to get there again. I lost 10 pounds in three weeks and then ballooned up once again.
I spent the first part of 2015 yo-yoing like crazy but not giving up. I started weight training once or twice a week, I did pilates for an hour a day, and occasionally I’d do a little cardio. I finally started eating what was practically a bikini competitor diet and worked out for at least 4 hours a day. I ate no more than 1000 calories, but no less. I trapped myself in this terrible starvation mode and ate only fish,eggs and yogurt. I thought broccoli had too many carbs. After about three months of that I had the best summer of my life. My hard work had payed off, then I woke up a little bit. I’d been so carb deprived for so long at that point, and fruit being my favorite food, I knew I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. Even before I started losing weight I’d discovered freelee the banana girl and said to myself, “I’m gonna do that someday” (that being rawtill4) So I went vegan, I weighed 112 pounds and I felt beautiful for the first time in my life. My goal was 110lbs, and I’ve never gotten lower than 111lbs. I’m 5’4 btw. Also,I started doing cross country which I loved dearly.
One day I discovered vegan junk food. (it was pizza) I finally broke my rigidness about the way I ate. Coming from no carb, to only carb, to only plants, to finally tasting artificial flavors after 8 months at least, I went crazy. One reason I overate so much was because rawtill4 is a “stuff your face” kind of lifestyle, so I was used to eating tons without consequence. Most kids can eat shit without consequences also, so I’d hoped maybe I finally had a fast metabolism, well I was wrong. Over the course of sophomore year I once again gained weight. Even through cross country season. I ended up back at 120, which was huge for me at the time and I would do crash diets and starve and binge. I kept trying to get back on rawtill4 or raw, because I though it was the way, but one step forward was always a billion steps back. I don’t know how 120 seemed so big. I would panic and work out like crazy, sometimes doing pilates for 3 or more hours a day.But I stopped running, and I stopped doing pilates because I was so exhausted and burnt out by the constant exercise. My body dismorphia then was at it’s worst.
I did a juice cleanse in January 2016 and that ruined me even further. After my juice cleanse I weighed 116 pounds again, but very quickly (by April) weighed 138 pounds. I went to therapy though because I knew I was very close to having an eating disorder.After that though I feel like it gave me a lazy even less motivated outlook on my eating and exercise habits. If I had a bad eating day, which for me is one bite of something bad, fuck it, my whole day hit the fan, now I’m gonna binge. But if I had a bad eating day I’d tell myself it was okay, which is fine if you do that once in a while, but everyday was my cheat day,a dn I’m still paying for those days that I told myself that it was okay to gain a pound even though it wasn’t. However, my body needed to heal, and I knew that but I was terrified of when or if I’d ever stop struggling to even maintain a weight at the same time that  was saying it was okay. I bounce all over the place even today. I continued to try to find the motivation that just wasn’t there, but when I went to California I gained weight. I’d never felt so sick in my life, and it was all because of what I was putting in my body. And to my body I’m sorry, because you deserve better.
When I returned from California I was puffy and squishy, and I had the most dreadful back rolls which still haunt me today. After that though I did lose weight and was back around 125. My goal, as narrow as it has always been was to be 110 by the time I went to the beach with my super model esque friends. That didn’t happen. I still ran races and between California and the Beach I ran a 10k and a half marathon, but with no motivation to train, I didn’t preform the way I’d hoped. I was 130lbs when I got to the beach with them, trying my hardest to be a raw vegan for the week, but as soon as the skinnies baked muffins and cookies and all of these wonderful untouchable things right in front of my deprived eyes, I binged. I think it was the worst binge I’ve ever had. I gained 6 pounds in four days.Granted some of that was water weight, but it never came off I haven’t been lower than that since.So like 138 pound stocky Autumn was jiggling around all summer, wearing her shirts in the ocean, and only m in her pool maybe twice. Which really is sad to think back on because I love water so much and swimming.I hated showering because I had to look at myself naked. I went to the beach again, which any other year would’ve been amazing but this one I was very reserved, especially because it was with my relatively new at the time boyfriend.Who I was also ashamed to be seen by, and intimacy was terrifying because I felt so unattractive. I was waiting for him to break up with my ugly ass. Him being this untouchable avid hiker, with the most amazing legs you’ve ever seen. His activity level is through the roof along with his metabolism and he worried about nothing, so the weight loss world was very new for him to witness, especially the side of it so close to an eating disorder. I felt gross, but I still call that my favorite summer memory because if you take away my constant inner battle, that was an absolutely insane vacation that I’ll forever cherish.
Around that time I also started birth control (get your mind out of the gutter) because I took it to regulate my periods which hadn’t started until we induced them with progesterone earlier that year. For so long I’d been going to doctors, and therapist trying desperately to find a problem with my body that causes me to struggle so much. I’m having to come to terms with the fact that I’m completely in control and it’s all my fault, but anyway. I was on a really good plan and I was seeing a nutritionist who was telling me the exact opposite of what I was doing. Since I had only known restrictive weight loss, her method of plentiful eating was very taboo to me. Cross country started again and I ended up quitting after a week, there were other reasons than just me feeling ugly and fat  and slow, but those aren’t important to this. I quit, and tried to run at home on my own, but (I’m blaming the birth control here) I didn’t lose weight. I ended up stopping it because along with staying chubby, I had a month long period. I was stuck at 141lbs and I felt dreadful. I was and am disgusted. I’m mad  that I let myself do this and cover up the person on the inside. I was so confident and extroverted and bubbly and fun, and now it’s hard for me to look anyone in the eyes because I feel so disgusting.
I then tried to go raw once more, and that lasted a little while, but I don’t like salad (what a vegan who doesn’t like salad?!) so it didn’t last. I gained weight yet again. I went on a little weekend vacation with my boyfriend again, which was one of the best vacations of my entire life. We went to a little city in North Carolina where the river meets the town, and everyone is jolly. I ate like a pig there, but also did a lot of walking and soul searching, so I think it cancelled out any further weight gain, but when I got back, I was once again ravenous.
Eventually I ended up weighing 155lbs even eating vegetables and fruits a ton, it was the few binges a week that just pushed me off track. Funny that I wanted to lose weight so badly but this is what I got. The feeling of being fit is amazing and it kills me that I took it away from myself. I went to therapy again and now I’m on Prozac. Which I hate because I  hate taking artificial drugs, but my uncle who has severe OCD raved about it so I’ll take it until I can look at myself and be okay with it, and I am improving a ton. I’d like to do it on my own, but I think the Prozac helps me to quell my anxiety and have better ability to slough the bad days off and keep moving toward my goals, which I eventually, and I hope soon will be able to do on my own. I’ve been meditating and altering my thinking to more positive things, and really trying to be comfortable and accept that this is my body, I’m not a little girl, and it’s completely fine to have a little extra. To make any change, you must accept the present and love yourself. As cliche as it sounds, it’s very true and I’m working hard at it because it’s not easy sometimes believe me. So the past few weeks have been filled with positive growth.I started doing my pilates again (blogilates) and sometimes I cycle. I’m trying to do all of her videos! I eat very clean, but I struggle to find a balance between having treats and binging, cause, as I said, if I have one bad thing my whole day is ruined and I eat myself to oblivion. I miss myself, but just maybe if I am me, then I’ll start to look like me again, because it was my choice to lose part of myself. I was punishing myself for eating, and constant punishment doesn’t get you anywhere. Negativity doesn’t get you anywhere.
The recent days haven’t been very good. I haven’t eaten or exercised enough. I’m trying to listen to my body and not be too hard on myself, but I lost sight of my signals, hunger, fatigue, ect. I have to rejoin with my inner self, open my third eye, I suppose. I hope to update you with good news of my journey, and that I’ll keep going down a positive physical path, but I can honestly say that a positive mental path is the true thing I’m seeking. I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be strong and capable of the things that I want to do. so if ever you are struggling, you are not alone. You are as strong as you make yourself, so reach for the sky, and dance among the stars along your journey to self enlightenment.

I chose not to put any pictures of me before in this post because the past is irrelevant and I’ve been trying to live in it for too long. Every day is a new start, and it’s much less overwhelming to take life day by day. The only thing you should be planning far ahead for is your next big adventure!



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